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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Your Body Has Been Faithful to Live...

So, to continue with the break of my silence...

Tonight I found myself listening to Matthew Sanford and Krista Tippett speaking about the connection between our minds and our bodies on the MPR show, Speaking of Faith. This is going to take me somewhere for awhile. I can taste the future in this connection, I am anticipating things opening, shifting, breathing in an anciently new way.

Matthew has written a book called, "Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence". I have not been paralyzed as he has been, but parts of me have... parts that maybe can't be mapped physically. He talks about learning to listen to the silence inside... to spaces that we can't hear within ourselves. The peace and grace of his speech, the obvious breaking through suffering to be able to bless where before were curses... I am hungry for that.

He has such affection and grace for the body... where my past has been to curse my body and want to be out of it... and I am just waking up, myself, to how much harm that has done.

He talked of grace. He talked of healing stories. He talked of how our bodies do not fail us, they are incredibly faithful to live for us. In those times when we lose consciousness or disaccociate (to survive!) our bodies keep us alive and they store the impressions/memories of what is happening without us. Alone.

That is what I am tasting that is new from hearing this interview. I am tasting my body's "aloneness" and I am sad. I am sorry.

I am in a time of going back. I am in a time of learning to listen to my body and to learn to cherish it, grieve for it and befriend it. I can feel, even from listening to this interview, gratefulness for my body.

It is similar to how I was startled to find that when I got my hearing aides, instead of feeling clunky or awkward or ashamed (basically to feel them as enemy or separate from me), they felt to me like two intimate friends who were completely there to help me... I can not believe how "accomodating" (thanks to technology) they are! I am able to work with a woman at the hearing aid office and she programs them to suit me and my needs. If they are too "sensitive" (they adjust noise too often) then she can make them less so... they automatically sense if there is a lot of background noise and they "compress" the noise from the back and focus on the noise in front of me... lots of things like that. It is truely amazing.

I am hungry to read Matthew's book.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I live with a baby elephant...

So. It has been so long since I have posted (in my own voice). I have wanted to update everyone on the happenings here.. but they have been so fast and furious that I have not had words for it... until today.

One of the major changes in our lives this fall is that we are a homeschool family that sends their kids to school! Our two eldest started this year at the local schools. That has been quite an adjustment! It has been good. I have enjoyed meeting both their teachers so much. I am excited to get to know them better by helping in the rooms. I have been so impressed by their commitment to the children.

Well, another of the changes that has taken place is that Elijah is learning to play the trumpet. One day, I was picking him up from school and a boy in his class handed me this huge, black object. Elijah quickly said, "Oh, mom. I'll carry that!! It's my trumpet!" I gave it to him and we started to leave, walking down the hall... Elijah and Zion were in front of me and I heard him tell her, "Now Zion. You may not go near this!! You must stay away from it. I will show it to you, you want to see it? But you CAN'T touch it!!" Then, the second we were in the car, the case was open and he was telling me... "Look mom!! It is GOLD!! The mouthpiece is SILVER!! That's why it costs so much!!" The poor boy could not even buckle himself... I had to reach around and buckle for him...

Then the other day, Saturday, I had to tell him to "put his hands in the air and step away from the instument" when he was about to "wake" his sisters up at 7:30 a.m.... this morning, he finally committed his crime. Before school, he "blatted" his horn (repeatedly!! Playing "hot-cross-buns") while I was in the shower and his sisters were grumpily waking up. He has not learned yet to not poke dragons...

From the shower, it sounded like I had a little baby elephant in the house... so fun...

Sunday, October 08, 2006

My prayer as a bee...

The Prayer of the Bee
From: Prayers from the Ark by Carmen Bernos de Gasztold

I am not one to despise Your gifts.
May You be blessed
Who spread the riches of Your sweetness
for my zeal

Let my small span of ardent life
melt into our great communal task;
to lift up to Your glory
this temple of sweetness,
a citadel of incense,
a holy candle, myriad-celled,

moulded of Your graces
and of my hidden work.

Lord! Today, this is the prayer of my heart. Teach me to revel in hidden work!