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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

How Much Longer...

(The links are to two news stories of today, off MSN news...)

Faith Enough
by: Jars of Clay
Cd: Who We Are Instead

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight?

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind...

Should the world rely on faith tonight...?

Oh God.
Come.

Loss of Childhood...

"Anything that puts an end to childhood is corruption." Eberhard Arnold

Today's Bruderhoff Dig is about childlikeness. There is an article by Eberhard Arnold that the dig points to if you want to read more. Very good article...

In my journeying on this earth, I am beginning to see how it is the children who suffer and how much room evil is given because of that...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Bread Crumbs...

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

Following bread crumbs...

Coming upon the love that He has sent...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Yeah Garage Sale day...

Sometimes, I just love America.

Today was our citywide (neighborhood) garage sale day. It was so fun. I have only experienced garage saleing in America... It was great to meet neighbors a few blocks away and find things in common based on what I was buying. One lady actually went into her house and brought out things that were precious to her and sold them to me because she told me she knew I, "would take care of them". That was great.

I have to share why I love garage saleing (sp?) so much. For a few weeks, I have been, deep down thinking about a book: Freckles by Gene Stratton-Porter. I am listening to Girl of the Limberlost and they keep talking about someone named Freckles. I started to remember that I thought there was a book by Stratton-Porter of that name, and I started to want to find it.

Well. Yesturday, I go up to a garage sale, the one where the woman started bringing out the special things she cared about... and there was Freckles. God is SO COOL. So Fun. I am amazed at how he guides us without us even knowing it. I feel like my life is turning into a walk in the Enchanted Woods looking for and following the bread crumbs.

That is just ONE example of many, many times I have been given -- through garage sales -- exactly what my heart desires at ridiculously low prices. We have so many stories all through our house.

Gloria. I thought of you today as I walked around looking at people's old things they brought out that were new for me...

Fun day.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Cover Me...

My patience with children and dog is gone. Lord help me, everything is off today.

Cover Me
Bebo Norman, Big Blue Sky

Cover me, cover up my tears
Cover up this (wo)man who's covered up in fear
I need a peace of mind, I need a piece of you.
To cover all that's gone and everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me, then you hold me

Cover up my heart, cover up my soul
Cover up this world and everything I know
You cover up the sky, you cover up the sea
Cover up the mountains and every part of me
Every single breath I breathe... cover me

I am still alive and covered up in years
Covered up in lines as innocence appears
So give me a peace of mind, give me a piece of you
To cover all that's old with everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me, Than you hold me
You unveil me with your mercy
I want want to breathe you in
You unfold me then you hold me
I want to shed this skin
You unveil me with your mercy
You unfold me, then you hold me
You unbreak me, would you take me home

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I Lied!! It's a Three-in-One Day...

Wow... start a blog post and it keeps going... and going... and going...

If you want the whole story, start with "My Sweet Bike" and read up to this post... thanks for your patience if you do!

To continue... I finish my posts and go upstairs to wake up the kids and God asks me a question...

"What song was singing in your heart while you were biking yesturday?"

Sara Groves, Station Wagon Cd, Morning Will Be on the Other Side.

So. Here is the song. I sense that God is showing me that he is quietly, I did not even know it, doing a healing/filling/equipping in me today... tying on my angel wings... equipping me to travel in Faeryland...

Morning Will Be On the Other Side...

Little girl tie on your angel wings,
And fly, fly, fly, fly, fly.
Fly far away until you fall asleep,
Oh fly, fly, fly, fly, fly...
Fly until you see the place the sun is setting,
Fly into the land of ever-after-endings...
Fly until you come upon love I am sending... (like seeing your Heavenly Mother's face in a flower)
Morning will be on the other side,
So, FLY.

Little boy, climb on your pillow steed,
And ride, ride, ride, ride, ride
Ride far away until you fall asleep,
Oh ride, ride, ride, ride, ride...
Ride into the place you see the sun is setting,
Right into the land of ever after endings,
Ride until you come upon love I am sending,
The morning will be on the other side,
So RIDE.

Cool. I love God. He is so cool in the details. So complete. So fun. So unafraid. So Three-In-One.

Two For One Special Today!!

I had to share this today... it makes me think of Leanne Payne's teaching of a well formed sense of being that leaves the mother securely.

August 23

Some way there must be of my not forgetting,
And thither thou art leading me, my God.
The child that, weary of his mother's petting,
Runs out the moment that his feet are shod,
May see her face in every flower he sees,
And she, although beyond the window sitting,
Be nearer him than when he sat upon her knees.

George MacDonald
Diary of an Old Soul

I think what is touching my heart is that this mother is secure and has given to this child and released him/her. The child is free and it can fly... and still be in relationship with her... not loose her love... it does not have to perform to satisfy the mother. I think this is connected, deep, deep down to my biking on the river... hmmm...

My Sweet Bike...

Yesturday I finally gave in (after my husband insisted... pushed me out the door... thank you, Craig) to another "drawing" from God in my life. Besides being drawn to the rocky outcrop, I have been really drawn to biking along the river. (interesting that things seems to be centering around water and the river, for me...) All alone.

So, I went, as I said earlier... and I was struck with a few things... noticing why this is needed in my life right now.

I do not have to relate to my bike... or if I do... I am in control. The relationship is lovely. I actually love my bike. I am thankful for it's serving me. (how feminine is that!!) I love how my body fits on it and how responsive to my desire my bike is.

I am in a season where relationships are incredibly changing and stretching and growing. I am amazed at how much I am learning and changing and I see incredible hope and fruit of prayers prayed... but it is exhausting. I am so exhausted that I get irritated taking the dog for a walk... it is too relational, when I am needing to fill up.

But my bike is different. My bike and I understand each other and I can just fly. I can soar and reach that place where my body has worked out all the anxieties and agrees with me... "Yes, I can do what you want... Let's keep going."

I can also feel my heart release my cares to God because the relationship distractions are not creating static...

It is a sanctuary where things make sense right now.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Thither will I go...

Light looked down and beheld Darkness,
"Thither will I go," said Light.
Peace looked down and beheld War,
"Thither will I go," said Peace.
Love looked down and beheld Hatred,
"Thither will I go," said Love.
So came Light and shone;
So came Peace, and gave rest;
So came Love, and brought Life,
And the Word was made Flesh, and dwelt among us.
~Laurence Housman

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Beautiful Tree of Open Door...

Even before Jan announced her leaving, I kept thinking (lately) of Open Door as the tree in the poem that I quoted on my blog. Now, with her leaving, it is stronger than ever to me.

I see the "tree" of Open Door being shaken in the winds of change. There are many seeds being flung from it... seeds that are being sent off to grow new trees in different parts of the Garden, perhaps.

I wonder if it is like these seeds have reached a certain level of ripeness. The Master has decided to plant them elsewhere... some are falling close to the trunk of the original tree... some will stay and grow in the same soil, supporting the existing/emerging system... the others are being sent to begin or support other systems.

I also feel that the change is making way for new seeds to mature and grow...

Lord, help us to hang on loosely and to wait for You. Help us to not hurt any tender shoots in our anxiety... help us to send with blessing those that are riding Your Winds. May we open wide our wings...

"Wind and Spirit"
by Chris Rice
Past the Edges (cd)

I hear a sound and turn to see a new direction on that rusty weather vane...
Suddenly the dead brown leaves are stirred to scratch their circle dances down the lane...
And now the sturdy oaks start clappin' with the last few stubborn leaves that won't let go...
I can hear old Glory snappin' and her tattered robe now clangin' against the pole...
And my breath is snatched away,
And a chill runs up my spine,
Seems like somethin's on the way,
So I look up to the sky,
I look up to the sky and...

*From the corners of creation,
Comes the Father's Holy Breath,
Ridin' on a storm with tender fierceness,
Stirring my soul to Holiness,
Stirring my soul to Holiness.

I see the lifeless dust now resurrected
Swirlin' up against my windowpane,
And carried cross the distance comes the long awaited frangrances of earth and rain,
And out across the amber fields
The slender grasses bend and bow and kiss the ground
In them I see the beauty of the souls who let the Spirit lay them down
And it takes my breath away,
Tear comes to my eye
feels like somethin's on the way
So I look up to the sky
I look up to the sky and...*

And like a mighty wind blows with a force I can not see,
I will open wide my wings,
Open wide my wings,
I will open wide my wings and let the Spirit carry me...*

I hear a sound and turn to see a new direction on that rusty weather vane...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

My Little Bit on Coracles...

"One of the most striking features of this (the celtic) tradition was its love of wandering or peregrination. In its more extreme form, the peregrini, as they were called, would set sail in a boat without a rudder to be blown wherever the elements might take them. The ideal of the peregrini in the old Celtic Church was defined as 'seeking the place of one's resurrection'. (...) In the Celtic tradition the search to find 'the place of one's resurrection' often led to the wildest and most elemental places. Remote islands and rocky outcrops were the Celtic equivalent to desert places of silence and prayer. (...) The search is always for the Mystery that is deep within creation and yet infinitely other than anything we can know or name. It is a search that takes us into the wild and untamed places within ourselves as well as within nature."

"The Book of Creation: an Introduction to Celtic Spirituality"
J. Philip Newell
(Quotes from Chapter 2: The Second Day: The Wildness of God)

I have found my rocky outcrop. (at least for now...) There is a huge rock that breaks through the trees and gives you a view of the Mississippi river. There is a monument...

I have felt drawn to this place a lot lately, but it wasn't until I began to attempt to write this post that I realized that I AM being DRAWN there. It is a place, for me, where I can be still and enter the "darkness between the galaxies".

Today, before church, I went there. I felt the surety of God. The river was still there and was still calm; even though yesturday was a TERRIBLE, stormy day, relationally. The river was still there. The waters were almost still (which is an amazing trick for a river). The world had not fallen apart just because one relationship in my life seemed to. As I sat there, a falcon flew out from the trees next to me, carrying his breakfast. What a gift. The crows were trying to steal his food and it was wonderful to watch him, with GREAT dignity and strength, not give in to their pestering.

I am a peregrini. (I wonder if the falcon was a Peregrine!!)

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Coracles...

A Noticing that kept me awake:

Moses' journey began in a coracle...

Others:
Jeff
Christi
Judy

Everyday Companion

My Everyday Companion
with the Big Hands
grasping mine..

always my right hand held.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Surrender Into God

Meditation is the practise of death and resurrection. When we include meditation as part of our daily practise of prayer we are not dabbling in New Age-ism. We are simply letting go of that conscious control we hold so dear; we are opening ourselves up to the darkness between the galaxies which is the same as the great darkness in the spaces within our own hearts. Only if we have such faith in the reality of the happy ending can we let go of everything we think of as being ourselves, knowing that the Maker of the Universe who has Named us into being is there, waiting for us, calling us into deeper being. Occasionally those who meditate (the wise old women, male and female) are given the further gift of contemplation, which is beyond human thought. And until we can let go of our conscious, cognitive selves in this way, we are not ready for the happy ending.

Madeline L'Engle
Glimpses of Grace, August 16th

I feel God has been asking me to learn to rest, to trust, that place that is the "darkness between the galaxies which is the same as the great darkness in the spaces within (my) own heart". That I will not lose myself to let go of my control and I will find him even there. The way I am imagining it, or receiving it, is a picture of me sleeping in the bottom of the boat in the midst of the storm with Christ. There is so much that needs to be surrendered and there is so much need for faith and trust to be able to rest while the storm is raging around. Lord, help me to learn how to do this.
Holy is the Lord,
Holy is the Lord,
And the Lord I will obey,
Lord help me I don't know the way.
Andrew Peterson
"Holy is the Lord"
CD: Love and Thunder

Friday, August 12, 2005

Weary...

I am so tired, I've gotten to where I can't even speak. I am so relationally thin that it takes everything I have to not scream if anyone is near me. What I hate about being in this place is that I can not figure out what might help... I can not seem to find refreshment anywhere. I YEARN to fall into bigger arms than mine and rest in God's lap... but I can't seem to find Him anywhere. I keep trying, saying that even though I don't FEEL anything -- I know He's there and He's with me.

It's been so long since I have had a complete thought and the energy to make it happen.

My dear husband keeps trying to give me time off to refresh... I look at him blankly... I do not know what to do with myself... and I panic, thinking I've got to do SOMETHING, not waste the golden opportunity.

I am just so empty and tired.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Blogworld and Fahrenheit 451

O.k. I have never read the book "Fahrenheit 451" OR seen the movie , but this weekend someone told me the basic story of the book and movie and I want to read and see both.

In case there are others out there like me, who have not read this one yet, the basic story is: a community where the firemen's jobs are to confiscate and then burn the books. Fahrenheit 451 is the temperature at which paper burns. Of course, there is a fireman that sneaks a book, reads it and then can not continue in his job and becomes a fugitive of the government. Eventually making his way out of the city into the country, he meets a community of underground people. As he is being introduced, each person introduces themselves as thus: "Hi, I am 'To Kill a Mockingbird', I am 'For Whom the Bell Tolls'," etc. These people have memorized one book so that they may keep it for the future... and they are known by what story they hold within them.

Well. Today at church, I found a few blogmates and asked them to introduce me to other blogmates that I know go to Open Door. As I was introducing these new-to-me bloggers to my husband, I said, "Craig, this is 'Sleeping With Bread' or 'Still Listening'."

I immediately was struck by the feeling that I was living in "Fahrenheit 451"!! It was so amazing and real. There was a tang of hope and future on my tongue. Hmmm...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

A Framework is Cracking...

Today's (Aug 4, 2005) Daily Dig from the Bruderhof community smashed right into me. I am reeling from the blow. It is a quote from a catholic priest who blessed the pilots who dropped the atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

I wanted, I am ashamed now to say, to fight his presenting a "nonviolent Jesus". I wanted to insist that there are times when we have to stand against evil... and yet... I can not think of any thing that Christ did that was violent, except, maybe, turning over the tables in the temple... I am not sure where I land on this issue yet... I am TERRIFIED of being utterly nonviolent...

But there are some details that are resonating... disturbing me... cracking things within me... waking me up... beliefs I have accepted without thinking are suspect...

1) Three orders of catholic nuns and children were wiped out from the bombs on Nagasaki. (If you follow the links to keep reading more, you will see a picture of the destroyed cathedral) Reading the writings of this catholic priest and the impact on his life of doing an "about face" and following a nonviolent Jesus smells hugely like Kingdom to me. He was the catholic priest in charge of the soldiers whose mission was to release the bombs. I can not diminish the impact of realizing that the bombs destroyed those of the priest's own church. It, to me, screams... wake up!!! We are ALL God's children!! He does not see Baptist or Catholic... American or Japanese. I want to pray as Mother Teresa, "God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in."

2) I grew up in Tokyo, Japan.

Suddenly two compartments in my soul have crashed into each other. There is a cut-offness about my living in Japan, because now I live in the States. But suddenly, that little girl is real again. I spent years there...

3) I just finished listening to the story "Rilla of Inglewood" by L.M. Montgomery. It is about Anne (Shirley) Blythe's daughter and her growing up during WW1. Listening to that story, I was all for fighting and standing against abominations... and I can't quite think it was wrong... I am so confused.

This dig has dug up my deadness and there is a mess in my garden.